Wait, What?
by Red Tape Will Drive You Nuts
Summary: Just having a little fun with the events of season 8 so far...spoilers through 8.23, "Sacrifice." Just added: 8.07, "A Little Slice of Kevin."
1. Season 8, Episode 18

DEAN: This ain't cuttin' it, Sam. I know you had your little summer fling, but you're gonna have to tell me what the hell you've been doing for the past year. You two must have come up for air at least once.

SAM: I told you-

DEAN: Yeah, "there was a girl and then there wasn't." Care to elaborate?

SAM: The plot says I'm supposed to keep it a secret for forced dramatic tension, Dean. And you're not supposed to ask!

DEAN: Screw the damn plot, man. This is our lives here. We're at episode 10, and you know what happens by 23. We need to be as prepared as we can for whatever fresh hell is unleashed in May. Half of the shit we've gone through is because of you being tight lipped about things that were extremely relevant. So what is it this time? Did you make a deal with Crowley to bust me out? Huh? Steal an angel's grace from heaven's most ass-kicking security guard? Knock up one of those fairies from _True Blood_?

SAM: You know, you've got a lot of nerve telling me about keeping secrets. How the hell did you get out of Purgatory? What's up with you trusting vamps? Are we ever gonna get to the bottom of that?

DEAN: No! That's part of my PTSD arc! It's supposed to demonstrate that I can't trust anyone, even you, and that our codependent bond might be broken by another. I know we haven't shown it in a while, but it could still come back! Benny and me, we were brothers in battle, sworn to each other forever, yadda yadda. You can't possibly understand our bond! Besides, can't a guy have secrets?

SAM: (lifts eyebrow)

DEAN: Wha's that supposed to mean? (bristles) You tryna say somethin'?

SAM: (Rolls his eyes) Opening these places up always has a price, Dean. Remember seasons four and six?

DEAN: (phone rings) It's the plot. We have to spend an episode at the Ren fair. Come on.

LATER...

DEAN: (munching on a churro) So where did the Leviathans go, I mean, did you kill 'am all? The big mouths were all over our asses in Purgatory, but when I got topside, it was like the air was 80% borax. Where'd they get to?

SAM: I...don't really know.

DEAN: What does that mean?

SAM: I don't know, I just kind of woke up in season eight and they were gone.

DEAN: Huh.

SAM: Yep.

DEAN: What about the-

(phone rings again)

DEAN: Damn it! (answers) Yeah, yeah, we're coming!

SAM: Another one?

DEAN: Yeah, we gotta fight Nazis now.

SAM: Nazis?

DEAN: What, am I speaking French?

SAM: (mumbling) I hope not, if we're gonna fight Nazis.

LATER...

SAM: So I guess we're closing the gates of hell, huh?

DEAN: Looks like it.

SAM: Do you think these trials will end up killing one of us?

DEAN: Tell me what show we're on and ask me that question again.

SAM: This will probably have unforeseen consequences, won't it?

DEAN: Nothing gets past you, does it Sammy?

SAM: Shouldn't we, I don't know, investigate them? We should probably figure out what exactly is happening to me, what with my Bloody Cough of Death, and all.

DEAN: (Holds up script) No dice. I guess it's supposed to be a "surprise" later, so we're supposed to pretend like we're new at this and don't know what to expect. That's why we can't do or talk about any of the stuff we learned before now. We have to keep obvious and needless secrets without any motivation to keep the audience in "suspense." All the mysteries would be solved to quickly if we used common sense, you see.

SAM: (sighs) Why am I always the one who has to turn into a monster?

DEAN: Prob'ly cause your hair's so voluptuous. It's a good villain look.

SAM: (gives middle finger)

DEAN: (tosses churro paper out the Impala window) C'mon. We gotta go save Chrissy from a cult leader type. And after that, episode 19 looks like it'll be buckets of fun for you...might wanna get a flame suit, Sammy.

SAM: (looks worried at Dean's grin)


	2. Season 8, Episode 19

**SAM: **I can't believe all of the whining you subjected us all to after you got back from hell in Season 4, Dean.

**DEAN: **Hey! My tour was torture, alright? I broke my vow never to hurt innocents! And I enjoyed it! And that arc added a lot of weight to the whole "Chosen by God" storyline. It was beautiful stuff, man.

**SAM: **It was just a hallway, Dean. The set of _13 Ghosts_ was scarier. (swears) I can't believe all the straight up hell I went through in Lucifer's cage, and you were just hanging out in a cell listening to people pray and get piercings.

**DEAN:** It wasn't like that! There were racks, and torture implements, and kids, and everything!

**SAM: **Didn't look like that to me. There were five demons, tops. They weren't even guarding the door, which didn't require a key, by the way. I was in and out of both places in 24 hours, no problem.

**DEAN: **This is a recession, all right? There were some budget cuts, and maybe we couldn't afford the lake of fire or the prosthetics we would have liked, but that doesn't give you the right to say I didn't go through hell, Sammy.

**SAM:** (rolls his eyes) And Purgatory? That dingy forest? You made it sound like a greasy rope bridge over a pit of dragons, but it's just some woods with a few monsters. One of which I beheaded with a blunt stick. I can see why you were so traumatized when you got back.

**DEAN:** You know what, Sam?

**SAM: **What?

**DEAN: **(fumbling for something to say) Well, what about you! You couldn't even tell Bobby - the dead man who basically saved our asses for three straight seasons - what the hell you and miss sunshine were up to while I was sleeping with the monsters. What's up with that? What did you _do_?

**SAM: **(swallows guiltily) Nothing. I had a normal life, with a dog. And, uh...I met Amelia's dad, but it didn't work out. And so we broke up. And that's it. That's all that happened. Nothing else. Definitely nothing supernatural that will affect us later. If that's what you were thinking.

**DEAN:** _Right. _

**SAM: **Wait...(narrows eyes) "Sleeping with the monsters?" That was an interesting choice of words. (snickers)

**DEAN:** It was a play on words! You know, like "sleeping with the fishes!"

**SAM: **Sure. Definitely had nothing to do with Benny and the inexplicable, unbreakable bond between you two.

**DEAN:** We protected each other!

**SAM: **From what? Mosquito bites? Poison oak?

**DEAN: **We had each other's backs!

**SAM: **(laughing uproariously) I'll just bet you did.

**DEAN: **We were fighting our way out of that hellhole, okay?

**SAM: **For a year? Maybe if you hadn't spent so many long, romantic nights on the river with Benny and Cas you would have made it out sooner. It took me all of eight seconds to get out of there.

**DEAN: **(blushing) There were no romantic nights! There will be no romantic nights with any of us! This is the CW!

**SAM: **You never know, man. _The Vampire Diaries _did it.

**DEAN:** (clears throat loudly) Anyway, um, Crowley. His dialogue was a lot better in previous seasons, but he's back to being a badass, at least. He really needs those tablets, but it's kind of ridiculous that he hasn't figured out that the DEMONS tablet will permanently lock away demons. Doesn't he remember what happened to Dick and friends?

**SAM: **I think we and the audience are supposed to forget that Dick and friends ever existed.

**DEAN: **(nods in concession of the point) Think he really has Kevin?

**SAM: **I don't know. Usually, I would say no because of the angel and demon warding on the windows, but after I strolled into hell and walked ten feet to get Bobby and walked right back out and onto Earth with no trouble, I'd say anything is possible at this point.

**DEAN:** I can't believe you ditched Benny down there.

**SAM:** He wanted to stay, dude. I think the writers were going for that literary symmetry again. It's supposed to be like the first half of the season when you left Cas behind to "certain death" and then felt guilty about it for a while even though he wanted to stay and do penance. Only in reverse. Kind of like _The Little Mermaid II_.

**DEAN: **Why did I even send him down there? The portal appeared right next to you before he even did anything and you already knew the spell to put a soul in your arm. And there was plenty of time for you all to leave.

**SAM: **I think Benny was too awesome for this season. He made the rest of the "plot" look bad.

**DEAN: **(looks away dreamily) Yeah, he was pretty awesome. With him gone, all we have to look forward to is more c*** teasing from the writers about your mysterious year and the end of this senseless Word of God/Gates of Hell/Naomi stuff.

**SAM: **(fights not to laugh at Dean's word choice) After the needless 11 months and 29 days you and Benny and Cas spent in Purgatory doing God knows what, you and the writers have a lot of knowledge on that particular topic.

**SAM: **(dodges flying whiskey bottle)

**DEAN:** (taking deep breaths, then grabbing a beer from the cooler) What are doing next week? Maybe we can hunt Bigfoot. At least it'd be new.

**SAM: **(looks at script, face falling)

**DEAN: **Sam?


	3. Season 8, Episode 10

**I know this is out of order, but we were so far into the season when I started! Oh, well. This is a tag to 8.10, "Torn and Frayed."**

**DEAN: **This week, on _For the Love of Texas_ …

**SAM**: (Lifts eyebrow) What are you doing?

**DEAN**: Sam is a man lost, betrayed by his brother and aching for the loving tenderness of the woman he left behind. A feisty veterinarian-

**SAM**: Dean…

**DEAN**: -the likes of which his soul and body had never known, she tangled the strings of his heart and played on them a timeless lover's tune. Believing his lady love was in grave peril, Sam set out west against the morning to rescue her. And perhaps to do more than that…

**SAM**: Cut it out!

**DEAN**: After a steamy love affair with mysterious drifter Sam Winchester, Amelia's finally got her head on straight-

**SAM**: (flips Dean off)

**DEAN**: (louder) -and has rekindled her love with her husband, Don, a war hero Marine Special Forces Commander American Patriot who beat the odds and survived the horrors of war to return to the woman he loved.

**SAM**: I didn't know about him! She said he was dead!

**DEAN**: (ignores Sam and strikes a dramatic pose) But when Sam makes an unexpected reappearance in their small, Texas town, Amelia's heart and body long for his tender touch once more.

**SAM:** My loving touch isn't really that tender, Dean. Haven't you watched any of my sex scenes?

**DEAN**: (thinks, nods, then shakes his head) Will she honor her sacred vows to her dutiful husband in uniform? Or will the soft, flowing locks of Sam Winchester's hair caress the cockles of her heart and woo her back into his bed, and his loving embrace?

**SAM**: Again with the hair? It's a signature look, man. Chicks love it.

**DEAN**: (looks faux-angusihed and dreamy) Two days. One decision. No regrets.

**SAM:** The two days thing was her idea, just for the record.

**DEAN**: (laughing) Oh, man. And I thought I was the soap opera actor. I got nothin' on you two.

**SAM**: Hey! I deserve a little sweetness and light, alright? My first love interest – who I was gonna marry in canon, by the way – got killed by demons just like my mom! My next one seduced me while I was grieving for you and tricked me into kick starting the goddam apocalypse! If I spent some time in the _Days of our Lives_ verse while you and Cas were away on your honeymoon, it's perfectly understandable!

**DEAN**: C'mon, they haven't all been bad. What about the chick from "Provenance?"

**SAM**: That was one kiss, man.

**DEAN**: The doctor from "Sex and Violence?"

**SAM**: (starts to reply, then stops) Wait, did I actually bang _her_? I can never tell. Because I got infected somehow, right? But Nick Monroe was the siren, and he was with you the whole time. Did he poison that whiskey, maybe?

**DEAN:** I dunno man, I just watch that episode for the homoerotic fight scene.

**SAM:** (rolls his eyes)

**DEAN**: Hey, what about Madison! She was hot and nice and didn't try to kill you!

**SAM**: I had to kill _her_ in cold blood!

**DEAN**: (winces) Well…uh…you had that sex dream about Bela. That sort of counts.

**SAM**: Does not. And how do you know about that?

**DEAN**: Well, you said it wasn't Brad Pitt-

**SAM**: Look! The point is, I haven't had the best run of luck with the lady folk. So let me have my soap opera fun if I want it.

**DEAN**: Well…

**SAM**: Well, what?

**DEAN**: …the _was _Gert.

**SAM**: (glares dangerously)

**DEAN**: (backing away) Hey, kojack, simmer down. You're right. You have had a hard time with the ladies.

**SAM**: (settles) Thank you.

**DEAN**: But _this _one? What was up with her in the vet's office?

**SAM**: What do you mean?

**DEAN**: "If you were so great, you wouldn't have hit that dog in the first place?" What the hell was that supposed to mean?

**SAM:** Well…it was kinda true. I guess. If you, like, look at it sideways…

**DEAN**: And you! You really brought the ham in that episode, dude. "I HIT THIS DOG! CAN'T YOU SAVE IT?!"

**SAM:** I just follow the director's orders.

**DEAN**: (laughing) It was just like the leader or whatever in Benny's nest…

**SAM:** It wasn't _that _bad-

**DEAN**: (strikes dramatic pose) "Didn't I wail! DIDN'T I WAIL AT THE UGLIEST BABY IN THE WORLD!"

**SAM**: (laughs reluctantly)

**DEAN**: And you're always…I don't know, acting so much _more _than her in every scene, it's like she's dead or something and you're trying to bring her back to life with your thespian powers.

**SAM:** Yeah, we don't have near as much chemistry as you and Benny, do we?

**DEAN**: (hesitates, unsure whether Sam is implying anything) I guess not.

**SAM:** Speaking of whom, what was the plan when you guys got back to earth? I mean, did he, like, promise not to eat people and you believed him, or…

**DEAN:** Pretty much.

**SAM:** But how are you gonna keep an eye on him? How will you know?

**DEAN**: I just know, okay? I trust him.

**SAM:** I swear, the writers better give us some concrete information about all this soon.

**DEAN**: From your lips to Carver's ears.

**SAM:** Wanna go grab some lunch?

**DEAN:** (looks at wrist, realizes he has no watch and has never worn one, and pulls out his phone) Yeah. I got a hankering for some orange chicken. You?

**SAM:** You've got a hankering?

**DEAN:** I'm just trying to keep your Texas romance theme going, here. It's called continuity.

**SAM:** (turns and walks away)

**DEAN:** Wait up! Are we talking China Palace or Panda Express?


	4. Season 8, Episode 20

**Tag to 8.20, "Pac Man Fever."**

SAM: Well, no further along with the main arc, but pretty good, I thought.

DEAN: Heavy shit, though, huh?

SAM: Right? A car accident on their way to pick her up because she was scared? I'm surprised all she did was steal a video game.

DEAN: I slaughtered left and right after dad died.

SAM: Beat the crap out of me, too.

DEAN: Eh, you survived.

SAM: And Djinn? I think this is the third time we've dealt with them. The mother-and-son monster team is a repeat, too. And again with the "fears in your dreams" plot?

DEAN: Think this'll tie into the "dream world" motif we've had going since the first half of the season?

SAM: I dunno, I mean, we kind of just keep picking that up and dropping it, don't we? The first half of the season was loaded with references, but I haven't heard much about it since Torn and Frayed. Can't be a coincidence though, can it?

DEAN: Maybe this whole season will turn out to be a dream, like on _Dallas_. Maybe we could get our Bobby back, too!

SAM: Doubt it. We already sent Bobby to heaven. Bringing him back again would be pushing it, I think.

DEAN: (looks unconvinced) What, pushing it more than introducing an entire once-great yet conveniently-forgotten super-powered time-traveling society being tracked by Knights of Hell?

SAM: (nods to the left) Hey, you think Crowley has any of those? I don't think we can handle another Abaddon.

DEAN: I hope not. You gotta admit she was pretty bad ass, though.

SAM: True. But back to this…

DEAN: What's up with the dialogue, man? "I prefer the taste of fear?" "Your face is a bad idea?"

SAM: And after poking a dead body with a stick? How is that an organic response in any way?

DEAN: And how did Boy 2 step over that body without noticing it?

SAM: No Peripheral Vision, I guess.

DEAN: Lots of back-season flashbacks. The Djinn. The dream root. Dad's journal. Carver Edlund. You squinting and bending over and grunting. You incapacitated. You ignoring my orders.

SAM: Bet you're glad I did. Your insides would be soup by now. Or "jello," to use your term.

DEAN: Quit busting my balls, it was close enough.

SAM: And don't think I missed that line about how "dreamy" Cas is.

DEAN: Charlie said that!

SAM: Still applies.

DEAN: How?

SAM: You didn't disagree.

DEAN: I-

SAM: It's okay, man, I realize what a difficult time this is for you, with your love of almost a year dead after a ten episode hiatus, and all. No one would blame you if you had a little Cas on the brain.

DEAN: (scowling) Sam-

SAM: Hey, I get it. He's got the powers, and the piercing stare, those blue eyes-

DEAN: Don't make me get my gun, Sam. You can't shoot for shit right now-

SAM: -and that trench coat. Sometimes you can't see his shirt over the top, and I can see how you would wonder if he was commando under there-

DEAN: (loads gun)

SAM: (continues, knowing it's a prop) –and that angel blade? Man, that thing is _long-_

DEAN: (clobbers Sam in the head with the gun prop)

SAM: Ow!

DEAN: (smirking)

SAM: I have to do another trial, Dean! Don't damage the goods any further! Jeez!

DEAN: (settling into his seat) Those things are kicking your ass pretty hard, man.

SAM: (cuts his eyes at Dean) Yeah, I know. Can't even stand. I hope the third trial involves laying on a massage table, cause that's the only way I'll be able to pull it off.

DEAN: We can ask Kevin if we ever find him. Bet the writers will have us rescuing him like we did last season.

SAM: Speaking of which, we all discussed the Leviathans again without mentioning where they went.

DEAN: Carver does love to dick with the audience on that score, doesn't he?

SAM: But why would we think this had anything to do with Leviathans? We damn near died to get rid of them, and nothing like this ever happened to any of their victims; we should know. Why did we even mention them?

DEAN: To wave a middle finger at all those people who are chomping at the bit for news, that why. Heh, heh, suck it, bitches!

SAM: (rolling his eyes) And they really blew the effects budget on those Djinn eyes, didn't they?

DEAN: (laughs) It made me think of that network pilot at the end of _Forgetting Sarah Marshall._ You know, the one where she was gonna portray like dog psychic cop, or some shit, and her eyes glowed?

SAM: (laughs) What happened to the monster makeup we had before?

DEAN: (laughing more) They used it for the blue hand print.

SAM: (incredulous) I _could not believe_ that part.

DEAN: It was very _Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime_.

SAM: (shaking his head) Dear god.

DEAN: (still snorting) At least the glowing-arm theme was furthered.

SAM: (musing) That reminds me – your arm glowed when Benny was stowed away in there. My arm glowed when we took Bobby topside. And now the Djinn arm is glowing, too.

DEAN: (pretending to chew gum and improvising a random Jersey accent) Well, Boss, I guess a Djinn leaves behind a glowing hand print to match his glowing arm.

DEAN: (speaking in a David Caruso voice) Looks to me like…

(•_•)

( •_•)⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

DEAN: …he was just letting his _SOOOUUUUULLLL GLO!_

SAM: (rolling his eyes) I'm serious, Dean. Do you think my arms are glowing at the end of the trials because there are souls in them? What if I'm roided up on human souls right now? What if I'll have to physically close the gates?

DEAN: No.

SAM: But-

DEAN: Nope.

SAM: Dean-

DEAN: I refuse to even entertain the idea that closing the gates of hell might involve soul-powered hulk hands. I just can't.

SAM: But we-

DEAN: This was good development for Charlie, too. Looks like she might have a bigger role in this show than expected.

SAM: It'll be cool to have a recurring woman on the show who's not a monster or a saint.

DEAN: (grinning) _And_ she said she loves me.

SAM: What? When?

DEAN: After you went in. She hugged me and everything.

SAM: Wait you…you came in and hugged me right after that!

DEAN: (sighs contentedly) Yep.

SAM: Slut.

DEAN: It's part of my development this season, Sam. I'm getting more in touch with my emotions.

SAM: And what the hell am I getting, besides more body damage? I thought it was my turn to be the subject on this show for once, instead of just your angst fuel!

DEAN: Sorry, dude. People love my angst. They need a fix every so often, and Cas is gone, so it's all on you, buddy.

SAM: (muttering discontentedly)


	5. Season 8, Episode 21

**Tag to 8.21, "The Great Escapist."**

SAM: So, who exactly _is _Naomi?

DEAN: (finishes swallowing a bite of peanut butter sandwich) What?

SAM: Like, is she herself an angel? A heavenly CIA agent? The HR director?

DEAN: Yeah, it is kind of weird that we don't know who she is yet. We found out who the other major players were pretty quickly.

SAM: And what is her end game? Like, even if she finds the angel tablet, what is she gonna do with it? Does she really want to keep it safe? Is she gonna take over heaven with it like Raphael?

DEAN: (shrugs) I dunno, man. Nobody has their shit together this season. Even Crowley seems like he's just doing things just cause. What was he doing in the beginning of this season again?

SAM: I think he was looking for prophets to decipher the DEMONS tablet, but what he was gonna do after that, I don't know.

DEAN: These unmotivated Big Bads are annoying. What are we fighting against? We're the only ones with clear goals!

SAM: Well, whatever he was up to in the beginning, it looks like he's decided to become the Mandarin from _Iron Man 3_ and put on a play for Kevin.

DEAN: You were definitely channeling me during that scene. "Nose to the god stone?" That is _gold._

SAM: Crowley definitely has our characters down pat. I wonder if he writes fan fiction.

DEAN: (laughing)

SAM: I can only imagine the things you and Cas must get up to in his mind.

DEAN: Hey! Some people write case fics! He just did it right there in that scene!

SAM: (ignoring him and thinking) He can get into Purgatory, too…you and Cas and Benny were all there _together_. Thank god the fans can't cross realms. That mush slash fodder might actually have killed them.

DEAN: (stares into space thinking, then loudly clears his throat) But what is this, _The Truman Show_? Did Crowley construct an entire "world" for Kevin? What if he decides to leave the bunker?

SAM: Speaking of which…_was _Crowley in Kevin's head? Like, how did he find him? And if he could get in to Kevin's head to find out where he was and kidnap him, why didn't he do it before now?

DEAN: I got nothing.

SAM: (shakes his head disapprovingly) Oh, look. Native Americans are back. Haven't seen them since the obligatory "Indian Burial Ground" episode from season one.

DEAN: "Bugs," I think it was called. And why are they called "Burial Grounds" when Native Americans are involved? Why don't we just call them cemeteries?

SAM: "Cemetery" doesn't sound noble or savage enough, I guess.

DEAN: I guess this guy is just the Silent Indian you always see on the covers of romance novels.

SAM: For a second I actually thought Metatron might be a Native American and would become a main character, but then I saw the CW logo in the bottom corner of the screen and came to my senses.

DEAN: (laughing) Quiet, man. You're gonna get us fired.

SAM: (snorts) You can't fire Corny Collins from _The Corny Collins Show_, dude.

DEAN: Back to Naomi and her goons, though. Are you telling me that they actually have to _look _with their _eyes_ to locate people? I always thought they used mojo to Big Brother people.

SAM: They do. That entire Biggerson's spiel made zero sense.

DEAN: They could have just lojacked him, too.

SAM: We're really lucky these supernaturals don't use human technology more often. Imagine if demons started possessing CIA agents and came after us backed by the U.S. Government.

DEAN: And they found him by torching a bunch of civvies in a random Biggerson's? What if he never went to that particular one?

SAM: (shrugs) So she's been erasing his memories since Egypt, huh?

DEAN: Waitaminnit…do _we_ know that she's erasing his memories? Did the plot tell us yet?

SAM: I don't know. I can't remember.

DEAN: And what a bad ass! Hiding the tablet inside him!

SAM: And did Crowley make a new Colt in that scene?

DEAN: Hold the phone! Now some of the angels work for Crowley? What does this mean for the goings on in heaven? Is Naomi running things for them? Why are angels working to help Crowley get the ANGELS tablet? Why in god's name would they take his "pay," whatever that is? Does anybody here have a reason for what they're doing?!

SAM: (sighs) Let's just move on, huh?

DEAN: (smiles sweetly) Awww, you remembered our Grand Canyon trip. You're so cute when you're incapacitated, Sammy.

SAM: It was nice to have a happy memory for once.

DEAN: (chuckles) Aaaaand…ice bath time!

SAM: (rolls his eyes)

DEAN: Kidding aside, you really nailed the Sir Galahad scene. Haven't seen that kind of acting since the panic room. I felt Kripke's presence.

SAM: We haven't had a real touching brother moment like that in a while, have we? We've really been out of sync since the apocalypse.

DEAN: (raises class of milk) Here's to us getting back to that. Our contrived fights are getting a little old.

SAM: I'll drink to that.

DEAN: Another "is this reality?" clue dropped by Metatron.

SAM: Is he gonna be, like, Chuck 2.0 or something?

DEAN: I don't think so. He seems cool now, but next week, he's gonna act pretty shady.

SAM: He's being shady now. "Think about what the world will be like after it's done." Is he gonna elaborate?

DEAN: My money's on no.

SAM: Why didn't you ask?

DEAN: How have you survived in this verse for so long, Sam? Don't you know the most basic rule? We don't ask the kinds of questions that might reduce the Angst or the number of future action scenes, no matter how stupid it makes us look.

SAM: But we've been through this so many times! This is gonna backfire! Something bad is gonna happen once the gates close, I can feel it! We need to investigate what might happen-

DEAN: Shhhhh, Sammy…resistance is futile.

SAM: But-

DEAN: (holds up the script and dangles it in front of Sam)…listen to the sound of the plot…

SAM: I-

DEAN: …you are getting very incurious…

SAM: (eyes begin to droop)

DEAN: …you don't want to know what could go wrong…

SAM: (rubs temples and squints)

DEAN: (thinks, then grins evilly)…you are overcome by the desire to serve Dean Winchester…

SAM: (looks hypnotized)

DEAN: …I speak with the force of the plot, Sammy…go forth and get Dean some pie…

SAM: (turns and walks slowly toward the fridge)

DEAN: Heh, heh.

SAM: (head snaps up, trance broken) What…

DEAN: (shoves the script into a desk drawer and pretends to read an old newspaper)

SAM: (looks down at the cherry pie in his hands and glares at Dean)

DEAN: (feigning innocence) Oh, hey Sam. How ya doin'?

SAM: (bites his lip angrily, then smiles) I'm great. Just got this pie here.

DEAN: (sets the paper down slowly) Sam…

SAM: This crust…it looks so delicious…

DEAN: Don't you dare, Sammy…

SAM: (takes off towards the bathroom and bolts the door behind him)

DEAN: (bangs on the bathroom door) Sam! Sam Winchester!

SAM: Mmmm…

DEAN: (bangs harder) You leave the crust alone! You hear me!

SAM: It must be Pilsbury…so light and crisp…

DEAN: You stop that! Stop it right now!

SAM: I can't, Dean, I'm sorry. The plot says I have to…

DEAN: God damn it!


	6. Season 8, Episode 22

**Tag to 8.22, "Clip Show."**

SAM: (leans against the trunk of the Impala) Guess you were right about Metatron. I'm getting major Zachariah vibes off him.

DEAN: (squints when a gust of wind blows by) Good god, don't even mention that rat bastard.

SAM: And he goes by Marv? How…boring.

DEAN: Looks like a Marv to me.

SAM: None of the other angels changed _their_ names.

DEAN: None of the other angels' names sounded like _Transformers._

SAM: (laughs) Can't argue with you there.

DEAN: So he's dicking with Cas, convincing him to do things in order to save heaven, reign in the family and lead them back to righteousness since god's not around to do it…glad to see some fresh material for the nerd angel.

SAM: They can't really be doing this again, can they?

DEAN: If it walks like a duck…

SAM: But Cas is gonna be a title character next season! We completed this arc in the beginning of season seven!

DEAN: Yep. This is the time when we were supposed to be recovering from his massive character derailment in "The Born Again Identity."

SAM: (shudders) Don't remind me.

DEAN: That episode really was the beginning of the end for the season, wasn't it?

SAM: No way, man. It was over in "Death's Door."

DEAN: Well, nothing we can do about it now. Onward and forward, I say.

SAM: Onward to something awful, demonic, and very likely painful for the finale.

DEAN: I know she's probably going to make us puke blood before the season's out, but I'm glad Abby's back. Since Meg died, I've been jonesing for an evil redhead.

SAM: You're _excited_ about another demon kicking our asses?

DEAN: No, but you gotta admit, she is quite the Magnificent Bastard. Could give Crowley a run for his money.

SAM: If her contrived escape was any indication, she probably will.

DEAN: Did we really _both_ have to go outside to flirt with Crowley?

SAM: That decision was so ridiculously…ridiculous that it was actually kind of awesome.

DEAN: But hey, on the upside, we got to watch her be a BAMF some more. This chick telekinetically freed her severed hand from a box and dug an enchanted bullet out of her own damn head. She is the most hardcore character we've seen in a _while_. And you remember what Meg was like season one!

SAM: So _this_ is where the effects budget for the djinn episode went. That hand was fantastic.

DEAN: (smirking) That hand thing could be a lot of fun, if you think about it…

SAM: (looks incredulously at Dean)

DEAN: What?

SAM: You are a sick man.

DEAN: Look me in the eye and tell me you weren't thinking it.

SAM: _I wasn't thinking it!_

DEAN: (sighs disbelievingly) You're a bad liar, Sam.

SAM: (stares at Dean for a moment, then shakes his head) On a less disgusting note, poor Sarah.

DEAN: Yeah, the hex bag in the phone? That was cold. Even for the Salesman.

SAM: And points for a new torture tactic – we haven't done the "kill everyone you ever saved" thing in quite this way before.

DEAN: I take my hat off to the plot on this one. I didn't think there were any sources of guilt-fueled angst we hadn't beaten to death yet, but I was totally wrong.

SAM: She had a new baby, too! People really enjoy twisting the knife in my back, I tell you. This is like the fourth love interest who's died in my arms. I'm afraid to even check Amelia's Facebook.

DEAN: Yeah, wherever god is, I'm pretty sure he hates you.

SAM: (looks at script) Man, we dropped a lot of bodies in this episode. Wendigo dude, Sarah, and now this Nephilim thing.

DEAN: That was opened and shut pretty quick.

SAM: Why are the trials to close the gates of heaven so much easier than the hell ones? If they have to be completed by an angel, you'd think they'd be a bit more challenging!

DEAN: Lazy bastards.

SAM: So…why is a Nephilim an abomination? Does it eat people? Does it spread disease? Why are they so forbidden again?

DEAN: That actually does have some lore backing it up.

SAM: (raises eyebrow) _You _know Nephilim lore?

DEAN: Hey, I read!

SAM: Okay…

DEAN: I was reading this recap of _Breaking Dawn_-

SAM: (laughs)

DEAN: Just because they're supposedly fiction doesn't mean we won't run into those bastards one day!

SAM: I know! Edward might remove vital car parts from the Impala and hide in the back seat! How would we escape him?

DEAN: Laugh all you want, Sam, but those vamps are God Moded. Apparently there are similar creatures in Mormon lore. We gotta learn all we can about them. And that scene where he stole the car parts was from _Eclipse, _not _Breaking Dawn._

SAM: (fights to keep a straight face)

DEAN: Anyway, when they're doing research on Bella's half-vampire baby-

SAM: (chokes on nothing)

DEAN: -they find all this stuff of demons, hellions, shit like that. The chick writing the recap noted that the vamps reminded her of this Mormon angel lore, and said that the story would be a lot more awesome if Renesmee-

SAM: Who?

DEAN: (looks exasperated) She's the baby, the part vamp!

SAM: (stares blankly)

DEAN: She said it would be pretty sweet if the little girl turned out to be a Nephilim – half human, half angel. She said the Nephilim lore said that they were hardcore man-munchers and did quite a bit of damage back in the day. Almost as much as the immortal children-

SAM: Dare I ask?

DEAN: They're these children that vampires bit and turned into monsters in the 1500s or something.

SAM: (looks horrified) Why would they do that?

DEAN: (thinks) I dunno. They didn't really go into the reasoning there.

SAM: That's insane.

DEAN: (nods in agreement) With three exclamation points.

SAM: I guess our verse got the nice Nephilim?

DEAN: The non-crazy one, anyway.

SAM: Lucky us.

DEAN: Not so lucky for her. She's dead.

SAM: So now, one trial is already done?

DEAN: To close the pearly gates, you betcha.

SAM: (muses) We might actually wrap up this whole gate-closing saga in the finale. Especially if we get two hours.

DEAN: We don't.

SAM: (grumbling) Every other show has gotten at least one two-hour finale. Where's ours?

DEAN: We got "All Hell Breaks Loose," remember?

SAM: (rolls his eyes petulantly) Yeah, I guess…

DEAN: We needed two hours for that, dude. There was no padding in that puppy.

SAM: (opens the trunk of the Impala, begins counting supplies)

DEAN: Looking for something?

SAM: Just doing inventory. I just watched the preview for the finale. We're gonna need all the backup we can get our hands on. We've got a hell of a fight ahead of us.

DEAN: (pulls out some supplies and begins packing salt rounds on the roof of the car) Abaddon?

SAM: And so much more.

DEAN: Naturally.

SAM: What do you think they'll take from us this time?

DEAN: I can't even…I mean, what do we have left to lose?

SAM: Our lives?

DEAN: (chuckles) We can always get those back.

SAM: Guess we're just breaking the world and fixing it again, then.

DEAN: (smirks) What else is there to life, Sammy?

SAM: (looks a little sad and mumbles) I don't think we'll ever know.

DEAN: (loads the rounds into the shot gun and snaps it closed) What's that?

SAM: Nothing. (finishes taking inventory of the trunk and closes the lid) Wanna grab a bite? We passed a Biggerson's on the way into town. Let's grab a Turducken sandwich, huh? For old times' sake?

DEAN: (opens the Impala door) They still serving those?

SAM: (gets into the car) Yep. Guess the writers decided we needed at least _some_ Leviathan continuity from season seven.

DEAN: (starts the car) Good. That sandwich was delicious. I bet it's even better without the mickey.


	7. Season 8, Episode 2

**This is a tag to 8.02, "What's Up, Tiger Mommy?"**

DEAN: So, let me get this straight. Despite our chronic inability to stay dead on this show, you somehow thought there was just no way I'd be back? That the adventure would end with the Big Mouths gone, Crowley in the wind, and Kevin on the loose with the tablet?

SAM: I didn't know you were in Purgatory, and the plot said you were never coming back! How was I supposed to find you?

DEAN: Where did you think I went? Cancun? Didn't we spend all of seasons six and seven battling monsters from purgatory? Didn't Dick climb his way out of there? Didn't we gather a bunch of random shit last minute to build a god weapon to shove his ass back down there? I disappeared the moment he blew up! How many possible places could I have gone to?

SAM: Just go with it, Dean. We're clumsily trying to establish an arc that will take us through season ten. Don't you wanna get paid?

DEAN: I don't see why we should have to bumble around like Harlequin romance novel heroines to do that!

SAM: Just pretend you have a concussion. Things make more sense that way.

DEAN: What, like the demons in this episode?

SAM: Don't complain. (looks around fearfully) Do you want the demons from season one back? At least these guys are easy to put down.

DEAN: They're more than "easy to put down," Sam. They're in a goddam coma.

SAM: They're easy to kill, and that's all good with me. Time for an arc that doesn't involve my body being defiled and violated for Angst and Break the Cutie points, don't you think?

DEAN: The writers apparently don't. Haven't you read ahead to the second half of the season yet?

SAM: I can't even go there right now.

DEAN: And where did you learn to say exorcisms backwards?

SAM: Uh…I've been reading up?

DEAN: I thought you quit hunting to play house!

SAM: (shuffles some papers and concentrates on the backs of his hands) So, Kevin's mom, huh? She's a firecracker.

DEAN: Sam-

SAM: (hurriedly) And why don't we exorcise people anymore? I mean, it wouldn't be any slower than killing them. We must have unnecessarily slaughtered at least a hundred people by now. And do we ever send any of these stabbed people to the E. R.?

DEAN: We probably stopped the exorcisms for the same reason we no longer talk about the Colt. Or try to use the horsemen's rings to knock out some of these antagonists. Or call Don and Maggie Stark to get those turbo-charged monster-freezing spells they used on the Leviathans. Or get the Alpha Vamp to give us some info since he said he'd be back this season. Or call up any of the other powerful creatures we've befriended over the years for help dealing with the Crowley debacle.

SAM: And what reason is that?

DEAN: Your guess is as good as mine.

SAM: Hmm.

DEAN: On the flip side, I'm really impressed with my flashback scenes. The blinking thing in the jail, it was very effective.

SAM: Purgatory makeup was pretty sweet, too.

DEAN: And my ass looks _great _in those jeans.

SAM: What is this blade thing you brought back? (digs around in the back seat of the Impala until he finds it and brings it into the front seat) This is the most badass weapon we've picked up since the Colt.

DEAN: Right?

SAM: (flips it over in his hands) Think we'll get to keep it?

DEAN: Not for much longer. It vanishes around episode ten.

SAM: Damn.

DEAN: Shame, too. We coulda made mincemeat out of that hell hound…

SAM: (looks confused) What hell hound?

DEAN: (smiles haughtily) Oh, you'll see, Sam. You'll see.

SAM: Where is that script…

DEAN: (watches Sam dig around for it, knowing he's hidden it) Man, this Pluto plot was _batshit_.

SAM: (still digging around) Tell me about it. I'm gonna have nightmares about that creepy little Monopoly man.

DEAN: And so much for all that security he promised us. Big talker.

SAM: Metal detector was a nice touch.

DEAN: Lot of good it did us.

SAM: What the hell happened in this episode, man? Like, I can't even describe it.

DEAN: (laughs)

SAM: We went to a God auction, where we met yet another angel, then Crowley came, then Kevin's mom was there, and there was something about "five eighths of a virgin…"

DEAN: (laughing) I'd forgotten about that!

SAM: Why would he bid that? Who would want it?

DEAN: (shrugs) He didn't win, so I guess no one.

SAM: And why did Crowley bet his own soul? They don't take demon souls!

DEAN: Maybe it's a clue about something and the writers will pick it up again later.

SAM: (gives Dean a sarcastic look)

DEAN: Yeah, you're right. I got nothing.

SAM: And then there was that battle-

DEAN: The director of that fight needs to be shot, really.

SAM: Maybe it was Michael Bay.

DEAN: Nah, not loud enough.

SAM: I did like using Thor's hammer, though.

DEAN: Yeah, it was pretty sweet.

SAM: But Crowley and the demons win in the end anyway! I mean, there was literally no need for any of this Pluto auction stuff, right?

DEAN: Yeah, he's got Kevin's mom good. Which…I'm baffled by the choice to include her character. Kevin's not on screen long enough for us to sympathize with his worry for her, and she ain't got much to do outside of, well… being Kevin's mom. Why did they even _cast_ anyone as Kevin's mom?

SAM: Ditto for Samandiriel. Does he have a role to play in all this? Was there any purpose to his character whatsoever?

DEAN: No! Cas ganks him later, and we learn jack from him. I have no idea why he's breathing.

SAM: We'd need an eight hour finale to answer all these questions.

DEAN: We'd need an extra s_eason _to suss all this out.

SAM: It might take that long for Kevin to explain to us why he hid the Word of God in a _train station locker. _

DEAN: Don't even get me started…

SAM: I know I've been M.I.A. since "Survival of the Fittest," but I thought we taught him better than _that_.

DEAN: Should we have left him a damn curse box to keep it in?

SAM: Nah, our knowledge of curse boxes was erased after Samuel bit the dust.

DEAN: He could have at least tried a safe deposit box at a bank!

SAM: Hey man, it makes as much sense as anything else we've decided to do thus far. I mean, I threw away the phones and ignored Kevin even though he was running from the King of Hell with the Word of God.

DEAN: Are you ever going to explain these crack decisions you made while I was gone?

SAM: (looks apologetic) The Secret Year seems like a major plot point, ham-fisted as it is. You'll just have to wait for that blood-cleansing confession I have to make in the finale.

DEAN: That's 21 episodes away!

SAM: Patience is a virtue.

DEAN: (grumbles)

SAM: (sighs heavily, rifles through the pile of DVDs in the cabin) Wanna watch something?

DEAN: What do we got?

SAM: (holds up a DVD) _Up in the Air_ is in here. Haven't seen that yet.

DEAN: That the Clooney flick, he fires people…

SAM: (nods)

DEAN: Yeah, why not.

SAM: (hands Dean a beer from the mini fridge)


	8. Season 8, Episode 23

**Tag to 8.23, "Sacrifice." Sorry about the wait, guys!**

DEAN: (stares blankly)

SAM: (gapes)

DEAN: I….

SAM: (lips flapping) Er…

DEAN: We, um…

SAM: And you, you…

DEAN: …the bar…

SAM: (looks bewildered) This _was_ a season finale, right?

DEAN: The script says so!

SAM: It must be marked wrong!

DEAN: (looking horrified) No…

SAM: But…

DEAN: The song played, Sam.

SAM: (desperately feigns confusion) What song?

DEAN: (sympathetic) You know the one.

SAM: (looks crushed)

DEAN: We…we didn't get to hear your confession, where you told us what you were doing during the Secret Year of Ultimate Destiny…

SAM: That…that was inexcusably egregious.

DEAN: Could they have been smacking us in the face any harder with that shit?

SAM: (getting red in the face) And then they had Crowley ask about it! You know, just in case the audience hadn't _quite_ picked up on the fact that I was hiding something!

DEAN: (touching Sam comfortably on the shoulder) You know what, let's…let's just start at the beginning, all right?

SAM: (takes deep breath, leans against the Impala) Okay…all righty, then.

DEAN: So…this scene with Jody was pretty good. The date thing, it worked great.

SAM: (biting his lip) Yes…it was decent.

DEAN: (looks worriedly at Sam) Deep breaths, man.

SAM: (trying to hold it in, but can't) I'm sorry, but I have to say this! The "kill everyone you saved" thing was brought in too quickly and too late to have any emotional impact! I barely even remember Wendigo guy!

DEAN: I know, Sam-

SAM: And the meeting with Crowley! What a farce! Did he not even suspect that we would try anything? Does he know us?

DEAN: Yeah…I dunno.

SAM: And the tablet trade! I can't believe…(loses ability to speak, runs a hand through his hair)

DEAN: We'd better be done with those titty-fucking tablets, I tell you that.

SAM: And where did you get those handcuffs?

DEAN: The bat cave, I presume. (waves hands in a rainbow shape) Makes it easy!

SAM: (sighs)

DEAN: But I guess we had to get him back somehow, right?

SAM: But why did it have to be _Crowley_? We could have gotten any demon to cure! There was no such things as a "king of hell" when that spell was written! Curing him wouldn't have made the gates close any tighter!

DEAN: Dramatic effect?

SAM: There might have been a dramatic effect if we had actually been_ successful _and closed the gates no matter the cost, but we _didn't_! We didn't do _anything_! We didn't even kill Crowley with the knife while we had him tied up!

DEAN: Can you imagine the character exploration we could have done with Crowley in that scene before I stopped you from closing the gates?

SAM: Imagine how the discussion could have gone! I could have told him all my Year Secrets and he could have died being the only one who knew them, and the audience would have had some questions answered and there would be loads of dramatic irony! It could have been something I could only trust a dying man with!

DEAN: (shakes his head) Could have been gut wrenching.

SAM: (seethes some more)

DEAN: (hopefully) You got a good scene with Abaddon, though, right?

SAM: A great, interesting, utterly superfluous scene, yes.

DEAN: (chuckles sadly)

SAM: That was 100% runtime padding, that fight.

DEAN: Yeah, it didn't amount to much, did it?

SAM: (flatly) No.

DEAN: What did you throw on her? Was that holy oil from that jar in the trunk?

SAM: (bitterly) It could have been bubble solution for all I fucking know.

DEAN: Was it something you learned during you Year o' Mysterious Wonder?

SAM: (cuts eyes at Dean)

DEAN: (looks nervous, takes a step away from Sam) Um…so. Crowley.

SAM: (turns and rests head against the roof of the Impala, pressing his face into the steel) What about him?

DEAN: Got to see a bit of his human side. We finally got to meet old Fergus, at least.

SAM: Think it'll have any effect on the events of season nine?

DEAN: (thinks) It's hard to say. He could have reduced demon powers or something. But probably not.

SAM: Hope you had fun at the bar watching those two guys pick each other up. Must be nice to have so much free time, Dean.

DEAN: We went to go find Metatron! He was…in danger. Somewhere! I think.

SAM: And you had a nice little conversation with that cupid girl. How _is _her mother, by the way? Did she get the flowers her son sent her for her birthday? What about her great uncle's best friend's son's Bar Mitzvah? Did the kid ever find his lost contact?

DEAN: Very funny, Sam.

SAM: (flatly) It wasn't funny at all, Dean. I did this entire trial by myself…_for no reason._ You didn't find Metatron. You didn't lock the gates of heaven. You shot the shit for damn near six hours while I got my ass kicked by Abaddon and the shit bitten out of me by Crowley.

DEAN: We found out from Naomi that the trials were going to kill you!

SAM: (roars) WHICH IS SOMETHING ANY CHAPPED ASSMONKEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT!

DEAN: (backs away and stumbles over a chair) Easy, Sam! You're still in recovery!

SAM: I don't care! (breathes deeply) Why were you acting like that was the biggest revelation since the one in the Bible?! Obviously the trials were gonna kill _one_ of us, and since _you_ died at the end of last season, it was clearly my turn!

DEAN: It…it could have worked out! You're the one you said the trials were "purifying" you!

SAM: (glares)

DEAN: What? You did!

SAM: Shut up, Dean. Just…just shut your recently-botoxed face.

DEAN: Hey! I have not had plastic surgery!

SAM: (raises eyebrow) What happened to your obvious-yet-sexy crow's feet, then?

DEAN: I've been getting some extra sleep, that's all!

SAM: (rolls eyes)

DEAN: And wait a minute! When we were behind the car, you said "it really feels like we're gonna win this time!"

SAM: Whatever, Dean, that was clearly bullshit.

DEAN: So optimism's only bad when_ I_ do it?

SAM: And speaking of the scene behind the car, you listed "losing my soul" as something to confess. How is that something I would have to _confess_ to? Was that some kind of mistake on my part?

DEAN: I…I don't really know what I was thinking. We were just supposed to…I dunno, remind the audience of all the drama surrounding you.

SAM: Like they could forget!

DEAN: Besides, _you're_ the one who told me to leave during the ritual!

SAM: I hadn't eaten in two weeks! You couldn't listen to _me_ right then!

DEAN: Cas said we could get rid of the angels, too! It would have been a sweet two-for-one deal, okay?

SAM: Yeah, because that was really _pressing._

DEAN: How were we supposed to know what Metatron was up to, man? He seemed like cool beans.

SAM: Yeah, what exactly is his deal? Why did he wait until now to exact his revenge? I mean, it seems like he could have done it at any time.

DEAN: And I guess it's pretty easy to expel all the angels from heaven…

SAM: Right? I mean, we had practically all of the ingredients back in season five, except the Nephilim. Could have really come in handy.

DEAN: And my speech at the end, after we gave up on the gates…I don't quite know what to say to that. Guess that means your ass is off the plank for not looking for me.

SAM: So…how do you feel about me now? Because earlier this season we had a bunch of drama about how you loved Benny more than me and how I had betrayed you by not searching, and now you're saying you didn't mean any of that and I'm an idiot for thinking you _did_ mean it? What?

DEAN: It's like me and Cas. One minute we're cool, next minute I hate and don't trust him. Whatever the plot needs, I guess.

SAM: (muttering) The plot of the season needed a coherent structure and it didn't get _that_.

DEAN: And…so what does this mean about your Sooper Sekrit Gap Year, then? Did you do something you don't want us to know about during that time?

SAM: If so, twenty-three episodes was long enough to wait to tell.

DEAN: And if not, why did they include the Gap Year at all? What was the point of that plot line? We didn't keep up the tension if it was supposed to introduce drama. We pretty much declared it a done deal and continued like nothing happened.

SAM: Maybe it's like the Leviathans. They were never here, you know?

DEAN: And now for that final scene…

SAM: Yep…he pretty much just kicked _all_ the angels out, didn't he?

DEAN: (sings) Heaven…must be missin' some angels…

SAM: With flaming wings, no less.

DEAN: So, to sum things up…the Samandiriel plot was meaningless.

SAM: And Benny's arc, if you really think about all the effort we put into him earlier.

DEAN: And Naomi, who bit the dust off screen.

SAM: And Amelia.

DEAN: (laughing) And Don, who…I don't know why they even bothered casting for the guy, to be straight with you.

SAM: Even Cas's arc won't affect next season directly. I mean, yeah, he was being controlled by Naomi, but it turned out she was good…sort of, I guess…in the end, so all the intrigue surrounding her was a waste of time. He's only involved in this now because he's an angel.

DEAN: And angel with no grace.

SAM: Think Metatron will wear it around his neck like Ursula with Ariel's voice?

DEAN: Uriel did.

SAM: The mystery man outside the cabin from the beginning is forgotten too, I guess.

DEAN: Poof, gone.

SAM: Your PTSD arc, which was actually really amazing, and I'm sad to see it go.

DEAN: Likewise, little brother.

SAM: I can't believe I'm saying this, but the main arc, the gates of hell thing…I think that's over, too. And I don't see what effect it can have on the events of next season.

DEAN: It wasn't even like we got our asses handed to us and had to bite the bullet and give up. We just kind of…didn't do it. Even after we risked hell and high water to do the other trials, either of which could have killed us. Suddenly dying is "the ultimate sacrifice"? Even after we just reminded the audience of all our deaths and resurrections a few scenes prior? We've kicked the bucket at least twice each!

SAM: Wow. The main arc was basically just…dicking around. Total anti-climax.

DEAN: How very _Breaking Dawn_.

SAM: (laughing)

DEAN: And the only carry over is Metatron's weapon of mass eviction and Abaddon and Crowley's power struggle. I mean, everything else is pretty much done.

SAM: (shakes his head)All that said, I'm still looking forward to next season. I wonder if the angels will have their grace.

DEAN: Luci did. They'll be running around down here like headless chickens, trying to get back into heaven. Maybe Cas'll form an army and storm the gates of heaven, or something bad ass like that.

SAM: That should be interesting to watch. We dropped the whole heavenly disorganization thing in season six.

DEAN: We really didn't treat that as seriously as we should have, did we?

SAM: Right? Raphael was trying to restart the apocalypse.

DEAN: We basically told Cas to fuck off every time he mentioned it, too…

SAM: Hindsight's 20/20.

DEAN: Oh, well. We'll deal with it when the time comes.

SAM: (opens the passenger door of the Impala) What do you want to do during the hiatus?

DEAN: (picks up script off the ground) There's a lot of material from earlier we haven't gone over, man. Might be some clues in here…

SAM: Are you serious? _The whole season?_

DEAN: What have we got to lose? We even have this nice falling-angels firework show to watch through the windshield.

SAM: (realizes Dean's right and shrugs) What the hell. I have a ton of recovery to do anyway.

_(They crack open the emergency whiskey under the driver's seat. Outside, Castiel stands and contemplates his new arc for season nine, hoping he's able to deliver something the fans will love. Sam and Dean do shots out of the bottle cap, watching the angels fall, and flip to the very first page of the master script.)_


	9. Season 8, Episode 1

**Tag to 8.01, "We Need to Talk About Kevin."**

* * *

_(Sam and Dean are sitting in the Impala, finishing off the bottle of emergency liquor and chowing down on leftover peanuts from sundaes they've bought at McDonalds over the years. Every few minutes, Dean hands Sam a cold ice pack from the cooler in the back seat, which Sam presses against his ribs. Castiel is still outside, watching the angels fall. It's midnight.) _

DEAN: You okay over there?

SAM: (groans) Yeah. I guess not finishing the trials really did a number on me.

DEAN: I hope you recover over the hiatus, man. I don't want to spend half the ninth season with you 51-50'd.

SAM: Me neither.

DEAN: What's wrong with you, by the way? Did skipping act three break your ribs or something?

SAM: Huh. I dunno.

DEAN: Then why are you holding your side like that?

SAM: Because that's what people do when they're injured on TV, Dean. You know it's serious if there's no blood and the person is gripping their side and moaning or screaming. (sighs) And you call yourself a Dr. Sexy, M. D. fan.

DEAN: I _was_ a Dr. Sexy M. D. fan. Now I'm a chef. Or something…

SAM: (laughs, then winces in pain)

DEAN: (opens script) Well, well, well, Sammy. You two were really serious. Had a dog and everything. Even slept in the bed with you.

SAM: (looks over at the script) Oh, yeah. I had forgotten about that scene.

DEAN: How did you two even get to that point, anyway? Your last flashback to Miss Sunshine showed something completely different.

SAM: Who cares? We ditched this plot tumor midway through the season.

DEAN: Yeah, I guess.

SAM: There's been a lot of business about souls and other stuff being cannon loaded into people's arms this season. I wonder what it all means.

DEAN: Probably just cool visual effects. For all the nonsense that went with completing the trials, I thought the glowing arm was pretty sweet.

SAM: Were you able to see that in canon? It seemed like you couldn't see the glow from the way you acted.

DEAN: I don't know… (flips through script)…there was nothing about it in the director's notes. So I guess not.

SAM: Why not?

DEAN: (shrugs) Anyway, moving on…

SAM: Let's back up a bit, though. I guess it's a good thing that dumping a soul into the grave containing the desiccated skeleton of a vampire automatically causes it to regenerate.

DEAN: The last time this happened, we had Cas to get all those ducks in a row.

SAM: (grinning) So…we might say that you gripped Benny tight and raised him from perdition.

DEAN: (eyes Sam dangerously) Sam…

SAM: You must have been relieved that the regeneration included spontaneously appearing clothes. I might have been waiting at the cabin for a long time if he'd been naked.

DEAN: How would you like to get your own ice packs, Sammy? Feel like twisting in your seat to reach them until the end of the hiatus?

SAM: (sighs dramatically) Fine, fine, I'll stop.

DEAN: Thank you.

SAM: For now…

DEAN: God damn it-

SAM: Looks like Benny passed his apparition portion of his O.W.L.s, too. How did he suddenly get behind you? You would have seen him rise from the grave right in front of your face.

DEAN: It's magic. Just go with it.

SAM: (sighs as dean turns the page) I miss that dog.

DEAN: He's cute. The spots on the nose are breaking my heart.

SAM: I think I like him even better than Bones.

DEAN: So who's the dude in the trench coat?

SAM: I can't even begin to guess. I'm assuming he was part of a plotline that was dropped when Amelia's arc got axed.

DEAN: They could have kept it! It would have been great for continuity.

SAM: Which explains why it's gone.

DEAN: (laughs and turns the page) Your hair's looking pretty Fabio this week. Borrow Amelia's flat iron, did you?

SAM: I don't need an iron. I wake up looking like that. We've shared a room enough times for you to know how fantastic I look in the morning.

DEAN: (laughing) Looks like she made you trim your sideburns, too. She keep your balls in her purse?

SAM: You got no room to talk, Goku. Your hair is gelled and styled perfectly in every Purgatory scene.

DEAN: I love how surprised you were acting that I ran all those tests on you.

SAM: I know right? It's not like we've been doing this for eight seasons or anything.

DEAN: There is something so awkward about this scene. What is it?

SAM: We're acting like you've been away working on an oil rig rather than in a monster realm, that's what.

DEAN: (chuckling) It does seem a little light considering the events that preceded it, doesn't it?

SAM: This is definitely a candidate for Least Favorite Hug. All our other post-hiatus hugs were visceral and spontaneous. This one was so forced.

DEAN: Have you been evaluating our hugs?

SAM: So have you. Don't bullshit me.

DEAN: (mocking Sam) "You were in Purgatory?"

SAM: Oh, god…

DEAN: I'm just saying, Sam. Where the hell else would I have disappeared to?

SAM: You were gone, Dean. I had no idea where you went.

DEAN: Why not, though?

SAM: Because the plot said so. Your location was a complete and total mysterious secret. We've been over this.

DEAN: (mocking Sam more) "For the whole year?" No, Sam. For two months. I spent the other ten bike touring in the Outback.

SAM: My brain was addled by the fumes of the Borax, all right?

DEAN: Yeah, whatever.

SAM: Hey, the Dead!Castiel storyline! I forgot about this.

DEAN: So's everyone else.

SAM: Do you think anybody bought it?

DEAN: Nope.

SAM: Yeah, I didn't think so either.

DEAN: (turns script pages and reads about the scene in the motel parking lot) The wind in your hair…and that hair tuck…straight out of Herbal Essences, man.

SAM: My posters are more popular and expensive than yours for a reason.

DEAN: Because you're worth it?

SAM: Go to hell.

DEAN: FLASHBACK TIME!

SAM: You must have been in the Playgirl Mansion section of Purgatory. All the monsters here are so good looking.

DEAN: Don't start.

SAM: (ignores him) This scene against the tree is so sexy, too. Reminds me of the _Breaking Dawn _scene where Edward drains those murderers. Still can't believe you forced me to watch that movie.

DEAN: This was nothing like that! I was pumping him for information about Cas!

SAM: (shakes head) And I thought I was the one with the thing for banging monsters.

DEAN: We were not banging! Nobody was banging anyone!

SAM: (laughs) I'm sorry, I meant _pumping_-

DEAN: That's not what I-

SAM: (laughing and tuning the page) "Maybe you like being man meat for every Tom, Dick, and Harry." Oh my god, Benny! That is priceless!

DEAN: (glares hatefully at Sam)

SAM: (finishes off laughing, then groans and presses the ice pack against himself) Oh, man. I'm gonna enjoy this more than I thought.

DEAN: Anyway…

SAM: The vet scene. Poor dog. I hate hitting animals.

DEAN: Why were you that upset over that dog? We've killed hundreds of people by hand – why are you suddenly overcome with grief over Fido?

SAM: I don't know. Rule of Drama?

DEAN: And your flashbacks are so odd and out of place. This one wasn't terrible, but still…

SAM: Whatever. Can't help what jogs your memory, I guess.

DEAN: (turns pages) Blah, blah, blah…

SAM: (stops Dean from turning pages) So…did Crowley not know you were in Purgatory, either?

DEAN: I guess not.

SAM: I thought Purgatory was "Hell adjacent?" Wouldn't he have known? It seemed like he knew in Survival of the Fittest after you were gone…

DEAN: (shrugs)

SAM: (continues turning) And the myth arc had arrived! We're closing the gates.

DEAN: Way too soon…

SAM: Usually I'd agree with you, but considering the way the season went, I'm glad they didn't drag it out painfully.

DEAN: That slow motion neck break was glorious. Poor girl.

SAM: Great dramatic moment there.

DEAN: (turns the last few pages of the episode) That's all she wrote.

SAM: (groans and repositions himself in the seat) God, my whole body hurts.

DEAN: Here. (reaches for a hot pack from the first aid kit) Heat time.

SAM: (hands him the cold pack and takes the hot one) Thanks.

DEAN: I'm hungry.

SAM: What, little bags of nuts not doing it for you either?

DEAN: Hey, you were in no position to go anywhere a few hours ago. Be glad we had even those.

SAM: (looks around) Let's stop at the gas station, too. We really need to clean this car.

DEAN: (inhales deeply) We should pick up some of those little pine fresheners, too. It's starting to smell like blood in here again.

SAM: (inhales) Yep.

DEAN: (starts car and backs up) Did we pass any fast food on the way over to…wherever we are?

SAM: I thought I saw-

CASTIEL: (opens back door of moving car and climbs inside, causing Dean to slam on the brakes)

SAM: Holy shit, Cas!

DEAN: What are you doing?

CASTIEL: My grace has been stolen from me by a tertiary character. I now require sustenance to survive.

SAM: Oh…well, close the door. We're on our way to get some food.

CASTIEL: (closes door)

DEAN: (rolling his eyes) Put your seat belt on, too.

CASTIEL: (tries to figure out how to buckle seat belt)

DEAN: (turns out onto the road) Can't believe this…

SAM: Metatron better have a good reason for all this.

DEAN: (swerves to avoid a flaming angel in the street) Tell me about it.

CASTIEL: (finally clicks belt into place)

SAM: You all right back there?

CASTIEL: Yes. I am sorry I'm not able to heal your injuries, Sam. I hope they don't pain you too much.

SAM: I'll be okay, Cas, thanks.

DEAN: So, any suggestions, people? We got a Burger King, an Arby's, a Waffle House…


	10. Season 8, Episode 3

**Tag to 8.03, "Heartache."**

_(Sam, Dean, and Castiel are at a gas station. Castiel sits on the trunk, eating a barbeque sandwich from Arby's, while Dean tosses trash into a big garbage bag. Sam sits in the front seat, snacking on chicken tenders and rifling through the script. Angels are still falling, though none have landed near them since they stopped to eat.)_

CASTIEL: Eating is much more satisfying when one is hungry.

DEAN: (scowls) Is it? I wouldn't know, Cas, since I'm the one cleaning up all this mess while you two chow down!

SAM: (mutters) It's your baby.

DEAN: (throws an empty beer can in through Sam's window)

CASTIEL: I've tried to assist you, Dean.

DEAN: You tried to tear out the back seat cup holder. That's the kind of help we can all do without, thanks.

CASTIEL: My apologies. It was quite soiled. I assumed it was refuse.

SAM: (laughs) Don't worry, Cas. I don't think he or my dad ever cleaned that thing.

DEAN: What about you? You were always the one in the back seat!

SAM: (shrugs, continues shuffling the pages) That's what you get for never letting me ride shotgun.

CASTIEL: (opens bun and pokes through meat with his fingers) I don't believe this substance is actually breast of domesticated fowl.

DEAN: Think that's bad? Wait 'till we hit McDonalds.

SAM: (sets chicken tenders on the dashboard) Hey, Dean! Remember this?

DEAN: (leans in through the window to read the page) Oh, yeah. More awkward dialogue. "Congratulations, you're fast?" Were they in a race?

SAM: I don't think so, but I guess they could have been running an impromptu midnight triathlon.

DEAN: (reads the next few lines) Ouch! Talk about an achy-breaky heart.

SAM: (grabs a chicken tender) This sheriff guy is pretty funny, too. I like that he implies that guy is innocent because the dead guy is more physically fit. Like that was the one obstacle to tearing that guy's heart out of his chest bare-handed.

DEAN: And this monster gets a good amount of distance between kills. Glad the others are less mobile.

SAM: (turns page) Poor Arthur. Going insane, and he has two different colored eyes. Really adds to the creepy factor.

DEAN: He's like that Dr. Walden guy from S_mallville_.

SAM: And he had a super-powered jailbreak, too, I think.

DEAN: It was a nuthouse, actually.

SAM: (throws the empty box of fries out the window)

DEAN: (scowls)

SAM: What? You're already out there.

DEAN: (snatches the box off the ground and throws it into the bag)

SAM: Aww, look at you. Playing with your new iPhone.

DEAN: Yeah, well, thanks to you, I was trapped in the _Tremors_ verse fighting for my life for the past year. Missed some of the fun stuff.

SAM: Maybe we should take you to the Apple store and you can take one of those classes with all the old people in it.

DEAN: Go to hell, Sam.

SAM: At least it's actually a useful app, a translation one.

DEAN: I wonder if that's a real thing.

SAM: If it's not, it should be.

DEAN: (checks the app store)

SAM: (scans the page) Hey, it's Neela from _NICU. _

DEAN: (is doubtful, then checks credits on SuperWiki on his phone) Is not. And that was Parminder Nagra on _ER_. What the hell is _NICU_?

SAM: Whatever, it was something like that. And it looks and sounds just like her.

DEAN: Her accent is completely different, though.

SAM: What? She sounds like she's from England, just like Neela!

DEAN: Neela's accent was clearly midlands, while this chick's was obviously not!

SAM: (turns and stares at Dean in confusion) How could you possibly know that?

DEAN: I know my hot chicks from hospital shows, okay?

SAM: (rolls eyes and goes back to turning pages)

DEAN: So…that chick outside the club, was she a stripper, or some kind of…I don't know, bondage dancer?

SAM: _Bondage dancer_?

DEAN: I don't know, they guy was like, "Must have taken years of practice," so I thought maybe she was doing something…special.

SAM: (chuckles) Who cares?

DEAN: She was wearing a leather dress, Sam. I care.

SAM: That was a lot of eyelash, too.

DEAN: (laughing) Poor guy. Nothing like dyin' chasing p-

CASTIEL: (jumps down off the trunk) I've figured it out. It's primarily hindquarters, though they've advertised the meat as breast.

DEAN: Very good, Cas. At this rate, you'll be able to finally tell the world whether or not a bear shits in the woods.

CASTIEL: (takes bite of sandwich) Well, assuming by 'shits' you mean 'defecates' –

SAM: (laughs)

DEAN: (sighs and grabs some receipts off the floor of the car) Just…forget it, man.

SAM: (starts car) Hey, your oil light is on, Dean.

DEAN: Dammit. (reaches in pocket and hands Castiel some cash) Here. Go inside and get some oil.

CASTIEL: Is there only one variety?

DEAN: At this dump, you better believe it.

CASTIEL: (walks away, still eating his sandwich)

DEAN: (shakes his head, looks over Sam's shoulder) Another confusing scene with us.

SAM: Yeah, I mean…what is the deal? Weren't you just super pissed at me about hanging you out to dry in Purgatory? And now you're like, "We belong together? Hive five!"

DEAN: Chalk it up to the PTSD, huh?

SAM: I guess.

DEAN: And what about you? "Maybe you're better off alone, not having to explain yourself?" Explain myself to who? How long has it been since you objected to my hunting, or asked me to "explain myself" about it?

SAM: Since like season one.

DEAN: Has Carver watched any of the episodes since he left?

SAM: Doesn't look like it. This is the same argument we had when I got back from Stanford after Jess died. We haven't been these people in like seven years.

DEAN: And you "want your time to count for something?" It already did! We stopped the friggin' apocalypse! That "counts."

SAM: Ah, but all that happened after season three when Carver left. Guess he didn't pay much attention to characterization. Or maybe he just read the recaps of the episodes and didn't watch them.

DEAN: Probably. That was a lot of episodes.

SAM: And how do you know Brick died in a car crash during the last year? Weren't you in Purgatory when it happened, then?

DEAN: (shrugs) Maybe Dick brought his mobile hotspot with him and I read about it on TMZ.

SAM: (laughs)

DEAN: Gotta say, he had some dedication, though. Athlete through the ages, that Brick.

SAM: The effects team really poured their heart and soul into pasting Brick's face onto all those old photos. Nothing about them looked fake in any way at all.

DEAN: Definitely didn't looked doctored.

SAM: Funny how we never brought that up, given how egregiously obvious it is. We kind of looked like idiots.

DEAN: (chuckles) It like when they CGI'd that pet cat on _Charmed _and just pretended there was nothing at all wrong.

SAM: This premise is kind of epic though.

DEAN: And the haunted-body-parts thing was done much better than it was in season six.

SAM: And what deal was this he made with Cacao? Wasn't the god already getting sacrifices? Was he giving Cacao _special_ sacrifices?

DEAN: Don't think too hard about it, Sam. Just enjoy the awesome.

SAM: 'Kay.

DEAN: (reaches into front seat to grab some trash) Damned if that wasn't the sketchiest strip club we ever went to.

SAM: Yeah, checkerboard peel-n-stick tile is a bad sign as far as class goes.

DEAN: This guest star was a good actress. Too bad they didn't cast her as Amelia.

SAM: (rolls eyes)

DEAN: Pretty, too.

SAM: Can't save her from that dialogue, though. "I became freaking Xena, Warrior Princess."

DEAN: Yeah, that was rough.

SAM: Even so, she's got you pinned pretty good there, Dean. Maybe she is a bondage dancer.

DEAN: Told you.

SAM: Guess the sacrifice spell also gives the person with Brick's heart handy dandy mind control powers over the other body parts.

DEAN: Thinking too hard again, Sam. (grins) Just enjoy the hot chick walking around a light-up stripper pole and caressing my chest.

SAM: (looks uncomfortable)

DEAN: And in conclusion…I guess you Just Want to Be Normal.

SAM: And you are a Warrior and just want to Do The Job and Stay Together as a Family.

DEAN: How could you Betray Your Loved Ones like this, Sam? This thing killed our mom!

SAM: I always wanted to Go To College, Dean! Why can't you support my dreams?

DEAN: How will we ever resolve this conflict? We have to get past this! By gum, we've got to Find Dad, Sammy! And get back to business!

SAM: Saving People?

DEAN: And Hunting Things!

SAM: What a fresh story arc. I wonder how we can ever mend such an insurmountable and totally unfamiliar rift.

DEAN: (reads as Sam turns the page) Ah, yes, good. Another incredibly awkward and strangely-timed flashback.

SAM: It's…nice.

DEAN: It _should _be. It's a picnic right? But for some reason it's creepy, Sam. It just is.

SAM: What's wrong with it?

DEAN: The whole thing…it's like an uncanny valley, but for a whole situation, not just a human-looking thing. It's so staged and unnatural.

SAM: I guess it _was_ brighter and sunnier than 90% of our scenes…

DEAN: I felt like you were about to declare yourself Claritin Clear, someone would peel the filter away from the corner of the screen.

SAM: (laughs)

DEAN: It had some real Cialis-Valtrex-Enzyte vibes about it, too. Like you two would start dancing and then you'd be like, "Now I can be ready when the moment's right."

SAM: (laughs harder)

CASTIEL: Is this the engine oil you needed?

DEAN: (looks at the bottle) This'll do. Hop in, Cas.

CASTIEL: (walks around the car to the other side)

DEAN: (ties up trash bag and puts it in the can between the pumps)

SAM: Your fries are getting cold in here, man.

DEAN: (drops into driver's seat) Yeah, but their fries suck anyway. Show me the meat.

SAM: (hands Dean his chicken) So, where should we go next? We got like four months until the hiatus is over.

DEAN: (starts car, remembers the oil, rolls eyes, pops the hood and gets out) Dunno. What do you want to do?

SAM: Uh…

DEAN: What?

SAM: Maybe we could go on a few hunts-

DEAN: Sam-

SAM: Nothing crazy. Just a ghost or two. We could use a good ol' salt and burn.

DEAN: (tosses oil bottle into the back seat) You're injured, remember?

SAM: (shrugs) Can't die between seasons.

DEAN: (starts car) Fair enough.

CASTIEL: This is a good idea, Sam. I'll need to refine my hunting abilities if I'm to be of any use without my grace in the coming season.

DEAN: (looks apprehensive) Okay, Cas. We did this during _this_ season, and you weren't so good at following directions. You follow our orders and do it to the letter. That understood?

CASTIEL: Yes.

SAM: Way to be a drill sergeant, Dean. Cut him some slack.

DEAN: You'll be singing a different song if you're the one who has to go into the Haunted Basement of Death because he wandered down there and his flashlight ran out of batteries.

SAM: Yeah, well, we better stock up on supplies. Hardware store?

DEAN: Dick's or Home Depot?

SAM: Dick's. For old times' sake.


	11. Season 8, Episode 4

**Tag to 8.04, "Bitten."**

_(Sam, Dean, and Castiel are walking around Lowe's. They've just left Dick's Sporting Goods, where they bought night vision goggles, a case for the guns, and new hiking boots, which they are currently wearing. Castiel pushes a shopping cart as Sam and Dean load things into it. People occasionally stop to stare at them. Mostly at Castiel.)_

SAM: (fighting a laugh) You look uncomfortable, Cas. You all right over there?

CASTIEL: (wiggles a foot in front of him) These shoes are…painful.

DEAN: New boots always are, man. You got to break 'em in.

CASTIEL: I'm aware that my suit and coat were inappropriate hunting apparel, but I'm uncertain that this is any more fitting.

_(Castiel is wearing a pair of Jordache jeans that were on clearance in a nearby strip mall. He's also wearing a rather snug button-down shirt and a denim vest, also by Jordache. A camouflage hunting jacket rests on the side of the shopping cart. Dean smiles proudly, clapping him on the shoulder.)_

DEAN: You look fine, Cas. You just gotta get used to the feel of jeans.

SAM: (grinning) You definitely don't look like the sexy 'new guy' in a _Duck Dynasty_ porno, if that's what you were thinking.

DEAN: Be nice. He'll get used to the new duds. 'Sides, we're not made of money. I mean, we haven't hustled pool since at least season five. I have no idea how we've paid for anything since "Swan Song."

SAM: Bobby?

DEAN: He died a season and a half ago. And we paid Frank five or ten grand to find Dick Roman.

SAM: Maybe I robbed banks while I had no soul.

CASTIEL: (continues walking awkwardly while pushing the shopping cart)

SAM: You can keep your legs together a little more, Cas. You look like you're trying to keep your balls from touching.

CASTIEL: These pants…they're very close-fitting.

DEAN: It's the best we could do, man. You're bigger than me down there.

SAM: (raises eyebrow)

DEAN: (gestures at TV screens on the back wall of the store) Hey! It's us!

SAM: They sell _TVs_ here?

DEAN: (waving him off) Come on, let's go watch. There're lawn chairs back there.

CASTIEL: Shouldn't we be shopping for supplies?

SAM: (hands Castiel the list) Here. Knock yourself out.

CASTIEL: But-

SAM: You gotta learn this stuff, man. You want to be a hunter, right?

CASTIEL: Yes, but-

DEAN: Sam's right. Hop to it. We'll see you in forty-two minutes.

CASTIEL: (sighs and walks away, heading for the gardening section)

DEAN: (drops into a pool chair beside Sam) Aw, man! It's been forever since I sat in one of these!

SAM: Right? We should get some for the Bat Cave.

DEAN: (gestures at the screen) Look at this. Really? The horror movie "Play Me" DVD? What is this, _One Missed Call_?

SAM: I still can't believe we actually stooped to teen-blood-flick level.

DEAN: Pink Post-It is a nice touch, too.

SAM: Was there really nothing else that needed screen time? Like, say, some closure regarding the big mouths? Some more info on Purgatory and what all happened there?

DEAN: Nope.

SAM: And oh, look. "Things should never have ended this way." Guess it's a good thing he took the time to edit his werewolf snuff film in iMovie before he left.

DEAN: He added that one-letter-at-a-time-effect, too. Really went all out.

SAM: He _is _the president of AV club, after all.

DEAN: (groans) Oh, man. He's a "nice guy."

SAM: What's wrong with being a nice guy?

DEAN: Not an actual nice guy. Some asshat who hounds chicks who are clearly not into him and secretly resents them while pretending to be friends. Bonus points for doing it to a male friend, too.

SAM: Yeah, this does feel like that, doesn't it? And weren't there like five girls at that table?

DEAN: None of them are good enough for Mr. Nice Guy, though.

SAM: And she wants to work for a green tech company. I'm getting _Birdemic _vibes from this.

DEAN: She even looks like that Natalie chick! And she's certainly skinny enough to be a fashion model.

SAM: And a beautiful one, too.

DEAN: (laughs)

SAM: "Double hippie?" What does that even mean? They're two separate people! How is that "double"?

DEAN: (laughs again)

SAM: Uh…who's holding the camera above More Attractive Friend and the Fashion Model while they kiss? Mr. Nice Guy is on the other side of the room!

DEAN: Whoops!

SAM: His camera has magical zoom. He can see the teacher's lapel pin from two hundred feet away.

DEAN: Oh, god, now they're trying to be deep and poetic. "A Christ figure?" And why did she bring that up out of the blue?

SAM: I forgot about that Lord of the Flies bullshit. It so doesn't fit this scenario at all, but they're gonna force it in anyway.

DEAN: Look at this fake acne on the side of his neck! It looks like he got splattered by Leviathan blood.

SAM: All the good makeup artists left with Kripke, I guess. It's been pretty much all CGI since then.

DEAN: Holy shit! Did someone just walk up and punch him in the head?

SAM: Yep. Just punched him in the head, called the other guy and ass hat, and bailed.

DEAN: What, no time to dump his books? Aren't they like seniors in college?

SAM: What a cool dude. Yes…let's record a real grisly murder scene for our movie, and include the cops in it. Cause that's how the world works!

DEAN: Ethics! You got 'em, Nice Guy.

SAM: Hey, it's us!

DEAN: In really high definition!

SAM: I kind of like the More Attractive Friend now. He's funny. And I'm definitely the Rizzoli between us. And she's really hot in this aggressive sort of way.

DEAN: Yeah, you love a woman that can kick some ass, don't you Sam? Is that why you're always banging monsters?

SAM: (flips Dean off)

DEAN: (shrugs) Hey, man, whatever floats your boat. I'm cool being Isles. She's a classy chick. Plus she's loaded.

SAM: (laughs) I love that More Attractive Friend and Fashion Model angle the camera at themselves whenever they kiss or do something. It's almost like they knew they were filming an episode of a show and were being directed to film certain shots.

DEAN: Sam! Don't be ridiculous, okay? These are candid shots from a Real Life Horror Story.

SAM: And…it's us again.

DEAN: How the hell did we _not_ see them creeping on us right there? That tree trunk is tiny and doesn't hide shit.

SAM: They weren't exactly being quiet either, were they?

DEAN: Just…right in our faces.

SAM: …Whoa. AV club kids are creeps.

DEAN: Very loud, obvious creeps.

SAM: Why are they filming that couple and giggling? What are they, nine?

DEAN: Blair Witch time!

SAM: Ah, the spontaneously malfunctioning camera. A horror movie staple.

DEAN: It was just sitting on the ground. Is there a reason it kept blanking out?

SAM: The bite's gone. That's unusual.

DEAN: And he just pulled a Clark Kent and yanked a door off its hinges one-handed.

SAM: "Maybe you got bit by an alien?" "That would explain the FBI?"

DEAN: It's the only explanation for why the FBI was at a grisly college murder scene, Sam.

SAM: "Finally found my movie!"

DEAN: No reason to be concerned about your friend's welfare, Mr. Nice Guy. If he dies, you and Martha Mae Who can get together. And you'll have a sweet movie, with a real crime scene and a dead friend, the whole nine. Son of a bitch.

SAM: And that's what he takes from this. His best friend, who's been nothing but nice to him for their whole college career, gets viciously bitten by a monster in the woods, and all he can think about is where he can get powers, too. So that he can get laid. Because that's what's important right now.

DEAN: Like I said…dick.

SAM: (laughing) So…do they just have all these waist-height cameras set up all over the house? If not, how are they getting these shots?

DEAN: Shhhhh!

SAM: Look at More Attractive Friend run off with the bong! I love this guy.

DEAN: (shaking his head) Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. Look at that hair. That is a thing of beauty.

SAM: Shut up, Dean.

DEAN: How do you do that flip? Just look at it bounce as you go down the steps!

SAM: (laughing) "I am a golden god."

DEAN: Why is he golden? You said _Mayan _god. Weren't the Aztecs the ones with all the gold?

SAM: I don't know. What I _do_ know is that every door in their house, including the kitchen cabinets, is filthy. Check out the bathroom door in that mirror.

DEAN: (laughing uproariously) He's _Vampire Cop_!

SAM: (laughing) Look at those teeth!

DEAN: (laughs even harder)

SAM: THIS FINGERNAIL MAKES ME SO ANGRY! I'M GONNA PUNCH THIS GLASS!

DEAN: (doubled over)

SAM: And now he's softly caressing her cheek. Why was that cut left in? What did that scene accomplish?

DEAN: Another waist-high camera in the middle of the room recording Vampire Cop eating.

SAM: Jump cut!

DEAN: Who is this?

SAM: This is the guys in the restaurant in the beginning, member?

DEAN: Wait…then how did Mr. Nice Guy get _their _video tape to cut into his own little monster-mentary? Just how much time did he spend editing this damn thing?

SAM: "YO!"

DEAN: (laughs)

SAM: "IF YOU DON'T COME OUT HERE AND PLAY WITH ME, I'M GONNA GO BANG YOUR GIRLFRIEND INSTEAD!" "TAKE IT LIKE A REAL MAN!"

DEAN: Bet that was totally unintentional on his part, too.

SAM: Why does he hate Vampire Cop so much? Why did he punch Mr. Nice Guy in the head earlier? Who _is_ this?

DEAN: And…I guess he _ate_ the camera?

SAM: Too bad it doesn't have a heart.

DEAN: And now she says she was afraid of him at first? When? We saw you, and you weren't afraid at all!

SAM: But but but! Now, she thinks his werewolf-iness is kind of hot.

DEAN: Guess you got a kindred spirit there, Sammy.

SAM: (laughing) Look at him standing there covered in blood.

DEAN: Vampire Cop! Called it!

SAM: It actually fit in sort of well with the _True Blood_ tone of the first half of this season. You can really feel it in the Benny episodes.

DEAN: And what video are they asking about? Did Vampire Cop bring the camera back with him? If not, how did hell they even see it?

SAM: Look at the Fashion Model. "Calm down," really?

DEAN: All he did was eat a human heart, Sam. It scared her at first, but now it's fucking hot!

SAM: Self-defensive-heart-eating is the best way to get into a girl's pants, Dean. I thought a professional like you would know these things.

DEAN: That is the best chest-punch I've ever seen. That kitchen table is _destroyed. _

SAM: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE!

DEAN: (laughing)

SAM: Did Vampire Cop really just accuse Mr. Nice Guy of being creepy after he ate someone's heart? I mean, he's right, but pot meet kettle.

DEAN: You know, we really should stop discussing the family business in public like that. There must be thousands of security tapes of us discussing monsters.

SAM: "FBI guys don't say 'awesome' that much?" That's what she's using to assess who is and isn't in law enforcement?

DEAN: Good thing she's not a crook.

SAM: So I guess he did take dude's camera from earlier.

DEAN: Smart move.

SAM: …Did he just walk into the Alpha's office and announce what he knew?

DEAN: Genius.

SAM: And told him about the camera. Very liberal definition of "hidden," I guess.

DEAN: This alpha werewolf is interesting. I was sure we'd never pick the Alphas thing again, after the Vamp promised us a cameo and stood us up.

SAM: And Mr. Nice Guy still wants to be turned even though he'll start eating hearts. Nice.

DEAN: He needs to get laid, Sam! This is the only way!

SAM: Why is recording all this by hand, anyway? He has a camera in the corner!

DEAN: He needs the close ups for the movie, 'member?

SAM: He's gonna be a heart-eating monster _and_ a filmmaker now?

DEAN: Mel Gibson did it.

SAM: (laughing) I love the Pack Master's reasoning. He falls asleep in my classes - nobody will miss him if I kill him.

DEAN: (mockingly) "I'm sick of being Piggy! I want to be Ralph!" I'm no bookworm, but I'm guessing Ralph wasn't addicted to long pig.

SAM: You know, without the dramatic camera angles, us killing monsters really looks kind of unimpressive.

DEAN: it also looks like a cakewalk.

SAM: And…what is this speech at the end? What the hell is he even talking about? "I did what you couldn't?" I'm pretty sure Vampire Cop could have hidden a camera in the professor's office and whined at him about wanting superpowers.

DEAN: Really, I think this was supposed to come off like More Attractive Friend/Vampire Cop was a dick to Mr. Nice Guy all the time, and now Mr. Nice Guy is growing a pair and standing up for himself.

SAM: Except it doesn't come off like that at all. Vampire Cop has been a really good friend to Mr. Nice Guy, even when all he wanted to do was eat hearts. He even tried to protect him by running away. And now Mr. Nice Guy is pissed off at him because what? He has a girlfriend?

DEAN: He even tried macking on his girl while they thought he was dying! Vampire Cop really should have picked a better friend. This guy's a complete fucking asshole.

SAM: And now look! He wants to beat the shit out of her because she won't break up with the guy she's in love with for him! What, he thought just because he became a heart-eater too, she'd automatically leave Vampire Cop for him? What the hell!

DEAN: And look at all the shots in this fight scene. They sure do have a lot of cameras floating invisibly in the air all over the house!

SAM: Whatever, man. It's almost over.

DEAN: He fucking kills him. Wow.

SAM: And he does _not_ love her.

DEAN: That's right, Fashion Model! Tear that ass up!

SAM: And she took the time to compile a little memory reel at the end.

DEAN: And after killing a guy and watching the love of her life die. That's what I call professionalism.

SAM: Welp, I guess that's done! Let's just leave these bodies here, then. It's cool.

DEAN: And there's probably other footage of us talking about Purgatory, and monsters, and impersonating the FBI, and god knows what else. Should we maybe check for that?

SAM: Nah…

_(A half-circle of people has formed around their chairs. They are staring in awe at the two men watching themselves on the televisions.)_

DEAN: (looking around) Uh oh…

SAM: (standing up and grinning sheepishly) That's a great show, huh? Love it!

PERSON IN JOHN DEERE HAT: Aren't you two-

DEAN: (takes off running toward the front of the door)

SAM: (takes off after him)

_(Castiel is at the register counting cash. The cashier does not look amused. Sam and Dean come barreling over, yanking at Castiel's arms.)_

DEAN: Let's go, Cas! We gotta hit the road!

CASTIEL: I'm sure I can get it-

SAM: (snatches the money from Castiel and throws it at the cashier) Keep the change!

DEAN: (grabs the cart and runs out the door)

SAM: C'mon!

CASTIEL: (follows Sam, looking apologetically back at the cashier)

DEAN: (throws items into the trunk of the Impala)

SAM: (shoves Castiel into the back seat) Leave the cart, man!

DEAN: We need room to back out!

SAM: (shakes his head as Dean runs the cart to a nearby planter)

DEAN: (sprints back to the car and jumps inside, starting it up)

CASTIEL: I was unable to obtain the ammunition we needed for our weapons.

SAM: (bracing himself against the door as Dean speeds off) They don't sell that stuff here, Cas.

DEAN: Shit. We gotta stop by a gun store…

SAM: Not in this town. How far to the next one?

DEAN: (digs in pocket for phone)

CASTIEL: The town of Farthington is twenty-one point two-four miles north-north-west of here.

DEAN: (checks rearview to see if they're being followed) I thought you were cut off from your angel mojo?

CASTIEL: I've lost my grace, yes, but I still have my memories.

SAM: Good. We could use them on hunts.

DEAN: Speaking of which… (checks mirrors again before joining the interstate) …we'll need a job.

CASTIEL: How do we find one?

SAM: The old fashioned way.

CASTIEL: (looks confused, and tugs at the crotch of his jeans as they pinch)


	12. Season 8, Episode 7

**I'm back! I really want to finish this up before season nine kicks off. As always, hope you enjoy!**

**Tag to episode 8.07, "A Little Slice of Kevin." **

**Synopsis: Crowley has kidnapped the rest of the prophets that might be able to read the Word of God. Kevin and his mother are working with a witch who can help them build demon bombs to use against Crowley's forces. Castiel mysteriously returns from Purgatory and helps Sam and Dean rescue Kevin once things go south with the witch. **

_(The boys are browsing the gun store for ammo and talking. Castiel is in the car, listening to some old dubstep from Sam's Stanford days on his iPod.) _

DEAN: We got off to a great start – a good old fashioned Demonic Teleportation Tornado. Nice to see such staples of canon making a comeback.

SAM: Yeah, what was that about? Conspicuous much?

DEAN: Never happens again, either.

SAM: To be fair, a lot of things happen in this episode that we'll never see or reference again.

DEAN: What, like the earth splitting open when demons kidnap prophets? And the demon bombs?

SAM: And did any of that stuff happen when Lilith came for Chuck? Or when Crowley or Dick kidnapped Kevin?

DEAN: I think the plot forgot about them.

SAM: And hey! Look who's back!

DEAN: Ah, yes. Pointless character number three hundred and forty seven: Samandiriel.

SAM: Looks like I'll get a break from being the damsel in distress tied to a chair in a basement this season.

DEAN: Poor little guy, with his striped shirt. His sole purpose: get tortured, make the audience cringe slash weep, and die.

SAM: Adam 2.0?

DEAN: (laughing) He even kind of favors the kid, doesn't he?

SAM: And all for the list of prophets? Is he an archangel?

DEAN: Guess heaven's such a mess that Waldo here is in charge of Prophet Protection. Explains why Kevin's been up shit's creek since you dipped out on him.

SAM: (rolling his eyes at the dig) Speaking of whom, here comes number three-forty-eight: Kevin's mom.

DEAN: Why does this mysterious-witch-who-can-help-us plot exist?

SAM: They've _just_ established that only demons can get the demon bomb ingredients, and now there's a random witch here who just happens to have them all? And she claims to be new?! Come on! Could she be any more obviously evil?

DEAN: Not without flying monkeys and a dog in a basket.

SAM: And they're so surprised when she betrays them.

DEAN: God, she even talks like Ruby did right before you started banging her, with the sexy modulated tones and the dusky gaze…

SAM: "Dusky gaze?"

DEAN: Yeah, you know…the one she was wearing during your grief scene in that flashback episode when she pinned you to that chair…

SAM: (rolling his eyes)

DEAN: (mocking Ruby's voice) "Because it's bad and it's wrong, and we shouldn't?"

SAM: (looks uncomfortable and steps away from Dean)

DEAN: What? You're the one who wanted me to watch more of your sex scenes!

SAM: (shakes his head, examining a .30 gauge in a glass case)

DEAN: It was research on the development of our characters, man. You might get some more nookie next season, and you wanna show some growth in that department. I mean, don't get me wrong, you look damn good, but the roughly-pinning-her-to-the-wall-and-driving-it-hom e thing is getting a little formulaic, don't you think?

SAM: (clearing throat loudly)

DEAN: I'm just saying, you might want to try letting her get on top once in a while –

SAM: Keep that in mind for when you can Cas finally get a love scene, why don't you.

DEAN: Oh, don't start –

SAM: You were hallucinating him as you look dreamily out your window, man. That's love.

DEAN: How can you belittle me about that scene? Look at me! I was tortured and full of angst. I was forced to leave my spirit guide behind to die while I escaped with my new, sexy-voiced brother-in-arms. Have a little compassion, you zombie.

SAM: Oh, please! Cas isn't really dead, Dean. You know it. I know it. The audience knew it from jump. Stop beating us with this contrived plot non-point; he's back now.

DEAN: (lip quivering) Contrived or not, my pain is real, Sammy. So, so real…

SAM: They really heaped on the plot contrivance in this episode, didn't they? They just handwaved him out of the Purg, just like they handwaved him back to life last season.

DEAN: Naomi brought him back, remember? She needed him to find the angels tablet. And spy on us.

SAM: Yeah. Which she needed to do for Very Important Reasons.

DEAN: Shhh! We haven't recapped that episode yet!

SAM: (rolls eyes) So much for the CertainDeath!Castiel subplot. I thought you were so sure he was never returning?

DEAN: I didn't think he was!

SAM: Really, because in your original flashback, he got punched a few times and fell gently backward onto the ground while you got sucked through the portal. Not exactly a lethal injection.

DEAN: There were Leviathans! And Purgatory was goddam terrible, okay? We had to fight our way out, surrounded on all sides by horror at every moment of every day –

SAM: You followed a _Pocahontas_ leaf to the gate, man.

DEAN: But –

SAM: You know the rules of good plotting as well as I do – show don't tell. And there was a lot of telling and not showing as far as the Purg was concerned. It just made you look like a whiny drama queen, considering the other stuff you've been through.

DEAN: Is that you're new job? Mocking my pain? This is the heart of my PTSD arc – survivor's guilt and flashbacks! This is _great _storytelling, you miserable bastard. I'm a lost soul, wondering how I'll get through this and how my best friend escaped that hellhole sans memory.

SAM: (nonplussed) It would be, if all of that wasn't dropped like Typhoid Mary's handkerchief midway through. Tell me, dude, will we even think about Naomi's role in all of this once the mid-season hiatus is over? Will we worry at all about her Heavenly Brain Scrambling Mission later on?

DEAN: (fumbling for a defense; spluttering) Dude! Spoilers!

SAM: And why are you talking like we just filmed _All Hell Breaks Loose, Part I_? You haven't done the "I fail everything I love and I suck as a person" bit since you got I got back from the cage.

DEAN: (frowns deeply) I really hate you sometimes, Sammy.

SAM: Oh, my god…anyway, Crowley's here. Let's talk about him.

DEAN: He's the one disappearing all the prophets, of course. Trying to find one who can read the tablet.

SAM: Isn't there only one active prophet at a time, though? Didn't someone say that at one point?

DEAN: Yeah, but he was planning to kill Kevin via the Paramore-reject witch. Once he was pushing daisies, one of these others would take his place. It's a smart move, considering.

SAM: The Light Up Octagon Table of Evil was a nice touch, too. Especially in that run down warehouse.

DEAN: (laughing) Where do you buy something like that? You think he had it built custom?

SAM: And…there goes Kevin's pinky!

DEAN: Is it awful that I laughed at that?

SAM: Not really. Crowley's hamming it up pretty hard. Look at the windmill in his hand. Priceless.

DEAN: (makes a note) Got be more sparing with the torture scenes. Getting desensitized, here.

SAM: And is there any reason Kev doesn't just lie to Crowley? He could have said anything was written on the tablet – how to torture demons, how to make demon knives, how to corrupt a human soul…

DEAN: You've met the plot, Sam. It has all power in its hands.

SAM: Apparently it even holds the power of Crowley's intelligence – just looked how shocked he is that there are tablets apart from Leviathan and Demon.

DEAN: (smirking) Least Cas kicked some ass in this episode.

SAM: (laughing) Yeah, right. And is it me, or was his wingspan a lot smaller than it was since the last time we saw it?

DEAN: Give the guy a break! He just got back from Over There –

_(The clerk walks out from the back room, surprised to see customers; the place has been a ghost town since the mill moved out of town. He grins at them and asks them for I.D., which they hand him. After grabbing the ammo, they head back out to the car, where Castiel is waiting. As they drive away, Cas informs them that he thinks he's found a simple case they can solve. Sam and Dean trade nervous looks.) _


End file.
